Chaper 42: More on the Magic Boots, and the Consequences of Rotten Soy Milk

OK, I can happily report that the consequences of drinking soy milk 9 days past its good-before date is not death, as I had feared. Or at least not my death. But it may well have meant death for a few people unfortunate enough to have been close to me at the wrong moment over the following 3-4 days, because I can tell you that it gave me the worst gas ever, in terms of both volume and potentency. Dogs started to bark at me in parks.

Honestly, if you should ever find yourself in an emergency situation where you absolutely have to imbibe soy milk that's 9 days past its good-before date, I fully recommend that you then go and find yourself a cave in an uninhabited continent to hang out in for a fortnight or so. Until you're fit for renewed contact with other members of humanity. For the sake of your fellow man, hide yourself.

Now, onto finer things. Because I believe in sharing the magic, here is the pic of The Boots that so many of you have asked for. They are made in Italy and the brand name is Brando (doncha just think coooooool?) They cost $800 from Fifth Avenue in Aukland, but are available in Australia. They are crocodile, a deep, deep navy, nearly black.


I have to warn you though: the power of these boots is freakish, and more than a little hard to control. If I wear them, I get sexually excited without fail. And let me be clear: I do NOT have a shoe fetish. Also, at parties, fashion editors prostrate themselves in front of you. In the street, random people stop you and beg you to ravish them. Or marry them. It's hard to know how to behave in such circumstances. I cannot even begin to imagine what would happen were I to click the heels of these magic boots together three times!

Errata from my last entry. I am reliably informed that fahklempt is probably Yiddish, not German. (Thanks Chip). Unfortunately, Babelfish web translation doesn't support Yiddish. So we can't check what it means. Any Yiddish speakers out there? Or anyone with a Yiddish-English dictionary? My friend Teva lost his and so, as he says, the exact spelling and meaning of fahkelmpt remain "a matter of conjecture".

And from my friends the Coulters, I get the following correction about lacy white dresses worn by the bearded men in my Victorian mass-suicide dream. "I think you'll find that the dress on the girl in the picture is representative of the attire worn by girls aged between 7-9 to celebrate the sacrament of Communion. White dresses are not worn for Confirmation which is conferred on adolescents between the ages of 13-16, representing an initiation into the Church as an adult." I was quite worried for a moment, but then came relief from the Coulters. "As a non catholic you can be forgiven for mixing up the two ceremonies." Whew. Thank God for forgiveness.