Chapter 35: Kids and phones

So, while in Joburg just a week ago, I drove out to Rustenburg to visit my little friend Melanie Morebudi, who is the daughter of my former domestic. Melanie is 10, pretty, bright, and exceedingly precocious. I haven't seen her in over a year, so I wanted to get her a nice gift, but I agonised over what. I debated with Max, who was visiting Joburg for a day. We looked through all the toy-shops. Asked the assistants for their recommendations. Giant stuffed bear? Clothes? Board game? I rang friends who called friends who have daughters. Finally it's decided: it's either a bicycle or wheelies (sneakers with roller blade wheels in the heels for those of you out-of-touch adults). Then I looked for an appropriate bike. Three stores, and I finally selected one at Dions, have the sales assistant fix it all up, and at last (and with some difficulty) I loaded it into my little rented car to take it back home for the trip to Rustenburg 2 days later. But that evening I finally, after many attempts, got to speak to Francinah, Melanie's mom. Francinah's English is not great. Our conversation goes like this:

Francinah (to me): Oh Pete, I can't believe it, we so, so, happy you come, I can't believe it. Melanie, she so happy too. You in South Africa now?

Me: Yes I am, Francinah. And Im very happy to see Melanie too; it's been too long. So, I'll pick Mellie up from school tomorrow and then hang out with her and then drive her home.

Francinah (to me, voice dropping to whisper): OK, Pete, Melanie, she want to talk to you too, but first, listen, Pete, I don't know, but sometimes you get Melanie a gift, and if you do…

Francinah (voice rising to a shout, speaking off phone) Mellie, no don't follow me, go outside…

Francinah (to me, whispering again): so, if you do get a present…

Me: (interrupting) Well, I did actually get her something. I got a bicycle.

Francinah (after a silence): Oh, no, no, no, oh Pete, she not want a bicycle, no, she only want one thing…

Francinah (voice rising again, speaking off-phone) No, Mellie, you bad girl to listen, go away, no…

Francinah (to me, in whisper again, puffing from running away from Mellie from one room to another): Pete, she only want one thing, she bother me so much, ask all the time, you can't believe how she bother me, she want a cell phone…)

And in the background to the call I can hear a little high voice enunciate, with absolute crystal clarity "A Nokia 2300".

OK, so Melanie wants a cell phone. If you please. To think that when mobile phones first came out I said to my boyfriend, Ian "Why on earth would you or any thinking person want a mobile phone? Its a gimmick, of no practical use." Now of course, I can't live without mine. (In fact I have two). But a 10 year old girl living in a township in South Africa? Still, I decide that if that's what she wants, then so be it. After all, its supposed to be a gift to bring pleasure. So the next day I take the bike back to Dions, to a big African momma behind the customer service counter. She looks at me grimly; I'm sure she's had to deal with some difficult whities in her time, such as the guy just before me who asks to have a toaster on loan while Dions repairs his toaster because otherwise how exactly is he supposed to get by without a toaster?

After dispatching with the toast-fanatic, African momma asks me "And what, exactly, is wrong with this bike?"

"Nothing," I say, "It's a fine bike, its just that the 10-year old girl I bought it for doesnt want it. She wants a cell-phone instead."

African momma looks at me and then with a mixture of disgust and pity shakes her head and says slowly "Ish, they ALL want that." She takes the bike back and refunds my money.

I then go to buy the cell phone and as Im looking in the display case I see this purple and pink model, with big funky keys that I just KNOW is the Nokia 2300. And so it proves to be, and do you know what? I can see, EXACTLY, why Melanie covets this particular phone.

So two days later I drive up to see her. I love her, and its wonderful to see her again. We go for milkshakes and to the mall. I suggest going to see Narnia, but she wants to see Big Momma's House 2. She enjoys it greatly. And I spend the entire duration of the movie sending out text messages and generally lathering myself up into a totally enjoyable indignant outrage about just how unbelievably puerile it is. And then we drive far from Rustenburg to her township called Lethabong, deep into the countryside, where the veld grasses reaches chest high. And finally, finally, Melanie gets to open her gift, and when she does, she seizes the phone and clutches it to her breast, raises her eyes heavenwards and says:

"Thank you. Ive wanted this phone for SOOOOO long".

Folks, I have no idea if reading this story is as funny as it was in reality, but I still have no idea who she is going to call.