Chapter 59: Oh Canada! My Home and Native Land, etc, etc

Ahhhhh. Big sigh of relief. I just landed this morning in sunny serene Sydney. Such a relief to see people at the airport wearing shorts and flip flops and to see a white-blue shining summer sky. All the more so because I've just been in wintery Canada. (The title of this blog is the Canadian national anthem. Like most Canadians, I don't really know the rest of it. How pathetic is that?)

Peter Falls into the Deep Freeze
So, about two weeks ago I landed in cold snowy -6 grey bleaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Toronto. After nearly 5 weeks in steamy Brazil, it was a monstrous shock. I had to get my best friend Ruth to pick me up from the airport, not because I really needed a ride, but because she had to bring warm clothes to the airport. All I had in my suitcase were shorts, flip-flops, T-shirts, suncream and 9 bathing suits, or sungas as they're known in Brazil. Now, please understand that Brazil is the ONLY country to buy bathing suits and a gayboy can never have too many of them. So I bought 9. Apologies to my friend Yasir who will be turning bilious green at such consumerism. Pictures of my two favourites below.

So the Toronto weather was a huge shock. I'm not used to all these clothes. I get confused getting dressed to go outside. I forget how to layer. Today my Ruth's ex-girlfriend screamed at me as I was about to leave the house "You're going out without a HAT? Are you fucking crazy?"

The people in Toronto are so pale during winter they are practically translucent. And I have come from somewhere hot, steamy, and moist where my skin sucks in the dew, and within 15 minutes of landing on the tarmac in Toronto my skin looks like an iguana. No amount of moisturizer can prevent the scaling. I have to bundle up to survive outside. Here's me with hugging Ruth's labradoodle Joss, who likes to eat cats and small puppies, to prevent onset of hypothermia in her snowy backyard.
My friends Barr and Michel have just acquired a lovely new chocolate labradoodle named Poo. (I know, lovely puppy, shame about the name.) Ruth went utterly gaga over this new doggie and totally ignored Barr, Michel and me at an Oscar night dinner party they threw for us. She spent most of the evening rolling on the floor speaking baby-talk with the puppy. Utterly disgraceful. Here's Barr and Michel below, plus a photo of Ruth telling me not to tell Joss that she's fallen in love with a new doggie.

But I love these people. They are some of my oldest and best friends in the world. Here's Barr, me, Suzie (Ruth's new girlfriend), Ruth and Diane (Ruth's ex-girlfriend) in Ruth's kitchen. Jennifer (another ex-girlfriend of Ruth's , and also of Diane's, lives 2 doors down. It's a Very Modern Family. And let me not forget about my lovely French friend Stephan, who for love has come to live in Toronto. How thousand-watt is his smile? So Toronto is full of good friends, but I have to say, I have never really warmed to the city. It's distinctly unpretty and it has a weird vibe that I can't really tap into. Maybe it's because it's excessively utilitarian, but in a weird, Canadiana, Douglas Coupland, kitch, recycling type of way. But maybe it's just the first days of my re-acquaintance with Canada that is so unsettling. For example, the relentless friendliness of shop assistants in Toronto is severely offputting: “Hiiiiiiiiiiii! How are you guys doing today?” they shriek at Ruth and me, as soon as we crack the door an inch. I don’t want to try anything on for fear of what further psychological assaults that will invite. The peasants are much less friendly in Vancouver and to be honest this comes as a relief. (In fact, for two cities in the same country, you can hardly believe how different the vibes of Vancouver and Toronto are.)

Momma turns 80 and we have a huge bash
After a few days in the deep freeze it's onwards to Vancouver for Mum's 80th. She's still a young fun thing at heart. She liked my new tattoo. She asked me to take off my shirt in front of all her friends so they can see my muscles. (I declined.) There were some 50 people at the party, and they all adore her. And she looked just fabulous. It is so beneficial to have a gay son. They’ll never get some bitchy daughter in law – not all daughters in law are bitchy but you have to admit it’s a risk – and we’ll always be there to help you wish your shoes and dress.
Mum with her boyfriend Hugh:
My ex-boyfriend Mark at 8:30pm:
Mark at 8:35 after my mother, doing an Oprah like tour of the room of 50 mostly elderly people after the speaches were over singles Mark out and announces loudly "And here's Mark, the Golden Boy, Peter's first luuuuverrrrrrr".Now, while you probably hate that word "lover" as much as me, you have to admire her intent. She wants everyone to know about me and accept me. It's a sin qua non for her. Still, I think the room was confused when directly after that, she introduced Ruth, who was sitting beside Mark, with "And here's Peter's ex-wife":
Seriously, Ruth is like the daughter my mother would have liked to have had. Then, after
celebrating the whole room, my mother asked loudly, and rhetorically "Now, who have I forgotten?". I had to point out that, in fact, she had forgotten my brother and me, her own offspring.
Naturally, we took great mock-offense. Seriously, though, it was a great, great party, and I look forward to throwing an even bigger bash for Mum's 90th.

Me and my Murse Muse
I finally, after over a year of searching found the man-purse (or murse, as they’re known here in Canada) I’ve been looking for. You’d think that it would be easy to find something black, leather, masculine, not too large, and not too small. It’s not. But then I found one, and bonus, it was on sale, reduced from $400 to $200. So now my life is fulfilled. Picture below is me with my new favourite thing: my murse.

A Glorious Day: Skiing for the First Time in 12 Years
When I'd just had ENOUGH of everyone in Vancouver wanting a piece of me, I absconded to go skiing on Cypress Bowl. Cypress, which is 20 minutes drive from where I grew up, is such a pretty mountain with stunning views over the city and out into Howe Sound, with its scattering of forested islands. It was the first time I'd been skiing in 12 years and, oh, it was such grand medicine for the soul. The day was beautiful, the mountain was empty, and I hadn't forgotten how to swoosh down the shining white slopes. The sky was azure, the trees dark green with snowy white caps, and I had peerless infinite views out over the city of Vancouver and into Juan de Fuca straights, with it's necklasses of islands and threads of boat activity. .



Oh, Vancouver was a social whirlwind.
Hectic, hectic, hectic. So many old friends to see. For example, Johan and Jenz (very hot boys, but remarkably reluctant photographic subjects! This was the best shot I could get despite many many attempts):
I also hung out with my childhood best friend, Kerry Chutter, who had more courage on a bicycle or tobaggan (and in many other more important respects) than anyone I've ever known. We were best friends from age 3 to 14, and then we lost kind of lost touch, but we reconnected deeply when she came out somewhere in her mid-30s when I was living in South Africa. You can be out of each other's lives for years, but never out of each other's hearts.
My highschool goils (Inga, Susie, and Borja), who haven't changed at all in 20 years, except they're much wiser and more beautiful now (and they have spawned):
Dinner with old family friends, the Korbins. From left, that's me, my beautiful mother, her amazing 91 year old toy-boy Hugh (we call him the walking, talking encyclopedia, because he can tell you everything about everything), David Korbin, Judi Korbin, and Kelley (who was my childhood friend who introduced me to Playgirl magazine, when I was about 6 years old. Maybe she's the reason I'm gay!):
And a reunion with the other long-time family friends, the Laxtons, including Chandra (who I grew up with) and her girlfriend Janine's new cutest-ever baby Thalia:
And don't ya just love this picture of my mum with Chandra's mother, Valerie?
Peter's Coffee Court
Oh, it gets so hectic socially in Vancouver that on my last day in town I had to hold court in Starbucks to see everyone one last time, including Mark Deans, whom I graduated from high-school with, and whom I secretly lusted over. Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of him, but I do have pictures of the other attendees at my coffee court, including my ex, Mark Watty (he of the Peter's First Loverrrrrr fame), and our friend Mike Kaneva:
...and Little Lasko, a Canadian talkaholic with a huge heart whom I met when I first moved to Australia:
...and my new friend, the lovely Keith Chalmers, whom I met in Sydney over this past Christmas:
...and lastly but not leastly, my friend Mark Cooperstone, who always makes me buy expensive jeans, and who has the sexiest voice ever. He's actually quite bright, despite how he looks in the picture:
Quirky Luminescent Vancouver
And, in my heart's fondest affections, let's not forget Vancouver itself! Oh, my home city can often be rainy, grey, windy, cold and dull. But it is also a beautiful place, and when it shines, there is nothing and nowhere like it. It can be suprisingly quirky. For example, the following car:
And at times Vancouver just sparkles. One day, I was walking through the rain with Ruth, and then suddenly a gorgeous rainbow erupted as the sun streamed in from the horizon under the rain clouds. You can't really see it in this picture, but all the buildings looked like they were luminescent: